What does it mean if you wear nothing between the sheets?

There was thought-provoking news for lovers this month. It was reported that people who sleep naked have happier relationships. In a survey of 1,000 Britons, 57% of naked sleepers reported feeling “happy” in love, the most in any group. The cotton-promoting body that commissioned the study explained its findings with all the creepy gravitas of Peter Stringfellow giving a physics lecture: “Bedding can feel extremely soft against the skin, encouraging openness and intimacy between couples and ultimately increasing happiness.”

If this is true, not only does it mean that nocturnal nudists are happier in love, it also means that’s because they’re the kind of insatiate bonobos who become aroused at the mere caress of a flat sheet from Debenhams. I can’t help having my doubts. Perhaps there is some other key to contentment. You know, one that isn’t mad and from a made-up-sounding survey.

I don’t want to sound too down on nudity. Full disclosure: sometimes I think boobs look like scary eyes. But generally, technically, theoretically, I’m in favour. Some of history’s most inspiring people were also nudists. William Blake, Walt Whitman, even Benjamin Franklin, who apparently used to call letting it all hang out an “air bath”.

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